“Twas like traveling the road of a rural area to an undiscovered paradise.” That one phrase exactly reflects my sentiments on my first job experience.
Frustrated. Seriously, I dont know where I stand now. Im sandwiched. I want to have my career in this bustling city but no doubt I wont be able to pull it off without sacrificing my health. UP was indeed the best thing that happened to me knowing full well how it notch up my opportunities and somehow eliminate selected limitations in the coroporate world. But I wonder how could have my health be if I didn’t enter UP? Perhaps I’ve pushed myself beyond my limits resulting to where I am now. But honestly, I guess Im lost because I haven’t talked and listened to Him for quite some time now. I guess I’m simply physically, emotionally and spiritually malnourished in this period of time. The sad part is, I know but Im not doing anything. This life is pointing nowhere near where I want it to be. And I just feel so helpless. My academic background and my shortlived experience in the retail industry is willing to take me higher than where Im currently soaring but my health isnt just cooperating. Why am I in this situation? Personally, I am fine. But why is science against me? Why are my results not where as we expect it to be? Being resistant is just too much to fathom but wherever this leads me, I just hope that its somewhere I could freely be myself. Somewhere my parents and sister would be proud of what im doing, not ashamed and whatsoever. Honestly, Im hurt. I’ve had my sentiments with working at the mall before but knowing such position and those numerous and stressful responsibilities, and well dealing with such job at such an early age — with no prior experience, I’ve learnt to be proud of myself and my petty accomplishments. Trust me, the job was in some way discriminating but at the end of the day, it seems like I’ve reached self-actualization of Maslow’s theory. Yes, Im satisfied at that. Judge all you want. At this point of life, Im no longer in the right mind to think rationally and logically.
This sentiments might be the result of separation anxiety. Ive been attached to my staffs. Five months with approximately 9 hours per day with them brought good relationship, connection and camaraderie among us. I’ve been attached to my job. I miss it. Decision-making was stressful but it was a fulfilling job. I miss all the stresses. But I also miss this freedom and relaxed life I have now. I missed this lifestyle. So I might as well embrace everything I have now and take advantage of this awesome life. Till then.